The Role of Pastor’s Wives in the Church
Another View on the Role of Pastor’s Wives in the Church
Rev. Chris Polski
Of la
te, I have been hearing a lot of chatter regarding the role of pastor’s wives in the church, especially from theological students and in books being written about ministry in the current world.
The general line of reasoning suggests that theological students should steer clear of churches that expect the pastor’s wife to be heavily involved in the church or to assist in leading a ministry. They argue that the pastoral calling is for HIM, not HER, and thus neither of them should be judged by whether or not she is involved in the church at all.
Now granted, I may be overly simplifying this viewpoint (more on that below). But even so, I feel compelled to write a short response because sadly, I am watching too many young men enter into ministry only to see themselves burned out and their families obliterated. Most of the current statistics on ministry failure suggest that the pastoral calling is very hard on families.
– 25% of pastors’ wives see their husband’s work schedule as a source of conflict.
– 33% felt burned out within their first five years of ministry.
– 33% say that being in ministry is an outright hazard to their family.
– 45% of pastors’ wives say the greatest danger to them and their family is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual burnout.
– 52% of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family’s well-being and health.
– 80% of pastors say they have insufficient time with their spouse.
– 94% feel under pressure to have a perfect family.
– 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict, or moral failure.
Advocates of the view I enumerated above would point exactly to these statistics as the reason for the burnout I just mentioned. I have a different view. I believe that it is precisely the mentality that the husband’s calling is utterly unique and distinct from his wife’s (along with a few other issues not germane to this post) that is causing the dramatic uptick in the pastoral casualty rate. In fact, I wonder if the reason for the dramatic uptick in these stats might actually be caused by the “Woe is me, my life is harder than everyone else’s” mindset that now seems pervasive in the modern culture and is definitely creeping into pastoral ministry.
Why do I feel this way?
Well, before I launch off into my reasons, let me first say what I THINK people might be trying to say when they express the above sentiment. I think that they may be trying to say that not every pastor’s wife is the same and therefore churches should not expect them all to do the same ministry in the same ways.
To be clear, I agree with this 100%! Every pastor’s wife is different and has different gifts and a different personality style. Some have young children, some are empty nesters. Some have high energy personality’s and some do not. Some are gifted communicators, some are gifted in hospitality. Some thrive on people, some thrive on quiet. In my view, this is a no-brainer and any church that does not acknowledge this reality doesn’t understand people, let alone ministry and should be avoided.
The upshot of this is that any church who is interviewing a candidate should be extraordinarily careful not to expect a pastor’s wife to simply pick up where the last one left off or to carry the same kinds of ministry’s that another pastor’s wife in the congregation might carry. She will have her own unique pastor’s wife identity. This is a good approach.
That said, there are indeed some people who would still advocate for the idea that a pastor’s wife can choose to be involved in the life of the church or not, given her situation. This is a concept with which I wholeheartedly disagree.
But why?
First, the Bible seems to anticipate the unique role of an elder or deacon’s wife when it addresses their role directly in I Timothy 3:11. Depending on your broader view of this passage it is possible that you might either take this as a full endorsement of women in ministry, an endorsement of women as deacons only or (as I do) a statement regarding the partnership of officers and their wives in the overall service of the church.
Second, I am a pastor of a local church and whether the academic caste realizes it or not, people in a congregation NEED to experience the ministerial touch of the pastor’s wife. A woman, and especially a pastor’s wife, offers a unique giftedness and input into how the church functions and she can touch the lives of women in a way that her husband cannot and should not. Additionally, she has her own very unique spiritual gifts that God has “given to all for the edification of the whole body.”
Third, when a husband and wife labor in ministry together there is far less of a chance of ministry seeming to be an adulterous third party in the husband-wife relationship. Too many pastor’s wives feel like their husbands are having an affair with the church, but if the wife is equally committed to the church and loves its people deeply and shares in her husband’s burden, she will be far better equipped and prepared to have a positive attitude when his God-ordained duties (i.e. visiting a dying person, tending to a broken family) are at the forefront. Now this doesn’t excuse work-a-holism, that is a sin. But a pastor, like any worker, needs to put in his regular hours and from time to time will be called on for special needs. When this happens he can’t just say, “nope, I’m not going to that dying person’s bedside because I’ve worked my 40 hours!” Likewise, if his wife takes that mentality, he is going to be terribly anguished and conflicted and ultimately the church, its people AND the marriage will suffer.
Incidentally, in a similar way, when children feel like they have a part in the work of the church along with their mom and dad, I think they are less prone to disappointment and anger at their father and the church then when they think his church work is “over there” and his relationship with them is “over here.” Again, this isn’t to excuse pastor dads who neglect their kids, instead, it is to say that there is a healthy way to involve them in the ministry with him.
Fourth, it is inconsistent (and frankly impossible) to expect the wives of laypeople to be involved in the life of the church and yet, not expect it of a pastor’s wife. This viewpoint, in my mind, stems too much from looking at the pastoral calling in the same way we look at a job. It’s not a job, it’s a calling. Even the wives of men in my church who are in the corporate world are expected, in different ways, to be a partner to their husband in his work. That’s not to say that if their husband is a doctor that they are a doctor too. But it is to say that if their husband is a chief of surgery there may be some out of hospital events and activities that she may need to host or a be a part of. Incidentally, the same would be true if the doctor was the wife and the husband worked as a mechanic. In that case, he may be expected to come along to some doctor related events and she to some things at the shop! This is part and parcel of a healthy marriage.
I believe it is high time for us to get back to basics and be honest about what is causing a lot of problems in church’s and pastoral marriages and at the root of it all is a “me-first” mentality. This may not be popular to say but if a person insists that their family should ALWAYS be first or that the church should ALWAYS be first, they are badly mistaken. Clearly there are going to be times and even seasons in which family needs to take precedence or church needs to take precedence, but it is never ok to insist that one or the other ALWAYS be the case.
God is the only thing in our lives that can legitimately always be our first and highest priority.
